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Melrose's Misadventures
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Melrose, who is my player character from Phantasy Star Online 2, is in various situations which put her in distress.
What to expect: Tied up girl, always the same character although she has a few fashion variations. Exceptions may apply occasionally. No explicit content.
This is basically the same as my Fanbox gallery, starting late but it has caught up.
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This was an assignment to write a short story in my class. Well I got the plotline from a couple of dreams I had in the past, and I plan to make this a series one day. I know the Latin is probably not accurate since I used Google Translator, but I still hope it's entertaining. Don't worry, everything will be explained in the later books I plan to write that explains about the book, the 'artifact' and who the Transparent Lady is. But feel free to ask questions.
Enjoy and please comment!
Enjoy and please comment!
Comments8
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This is a cool story.
There were some errors but nothing too serious.
The formatting you have makes it hard to read unless you use the paragraph button.
You might want to tell readers that if you do not want to use internet formatting.
A lot of internet text is formatted differently than books.
Dialog from the same person is in its own paragraph. This way dialog is not mixed in with everything else.
This makes it easier for readers to read the dialog.
“Cursed? What do you mean? How did I get bound? I don’t want to die! What about my family? Are they all right? How can this not be over?!” The questions poured out of me once again as my vision began to blur from anxiety.
“When your blood combined with the jewel inside, you were bound. You are the new owner, the guardian, or the wielder, whichever title you prefer. If you come with me I can protect you, and revive the innocents that were lost. Heed my warnings if you decline; he was only a minor Shadow Demon, and stronger ones will come for you. Everyone will die in front of you for eternity if you decide to stay. They will come for you for you now hold the amulet.”
“If I go with you my family will be safe?” I asked as tears started forming.
Happy laughter reached my ears, and I looked over to my house. My family was alive! They were eating dinner through the window, and joking among themselves. Then I glanced down the street seeing the brothers walking down the street searching for mischief I predicted.
“I just want this horrible nightmare to go away,” I said to myself.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I felt my cheeks grew hot with frustration as the boys continued laughing at me.
grow
-----------------------
I hesitated before getting up to take the it.
I do not understand this line
----------------------------
I bent down, moving my long strands of red hair out of the way, to see what I was digging.
Tense problem, this should be past tense.
---------------------------------
His high pitched bark echoed off the house as he waited for me to gather him his food before I headed on to bed.
Sounds a little strange.
Echoed through the house might be better.
----------------------------------------------------
Some had bloody wounds while others looked (like) the life was sucked out of them.
I find that if I say the sentences out loud, I can easily find these errors.
-------------------------
Once inside I ran for the phone, dialing 911, but as soon as I placed it to my ear a loud static screeched into my eardrum.
Tense problem
-------------------------------------
There were some errors but nothing too serious.
The formatting you have makes it hard to read unless you use the paragraph button.
You might want to tell readers that if you do not want to use internet formatting.
A lot of internet text is formatted differently than books.
Dialog from the same person is in its own paragraph. This way dialog is not mixed in with everything else.
This makes it easier for readers to read the dialog.
“Cursed? What do you mean? How did I get bound? I don’t want to die! What about my family? Are they all right? How can this not be over?!” The questions poured out of me once again as my vision began to blur from anxiety.
“When your blood combined with the jewel inside, you were bound. You are the new owner, the guardian, or the wielder, whichever title you prefer. If you come with me I can protect you, and revive the innocents that were lost. Heed my warnings if you decline; he was only a minor Shadow Demon, and stronger ones will come for you. Everyone will die in front of you for eternity if you decide to stay. They will come for you for you now hold the amulet.”
“If I go with you my family will be safe?” I asked as tears started forming.
Happy laughter reached my ears, and I looked over to my house. My family was alive! They were eating dinner through the window, and joking among themselves. Then I glanced down the street seeing the brothers walking down the street searching for mischief I predicted.
“I just want this horrible nightmare to go away,” I said to myself.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I felt my cheeks grew hot with frustration as the boys continued laughing at me.
grow
-----------------------
I hesitated before getting up to take the it.
I do not understand this line
----------------------------
I bent down, moving my long strands of red hair out of the way, to see what I was digging.
Tense problem, this should be past tense.
---------------------------------
His high pitched bark echoed off the house as he waited for me to gather him his food before I headed on to bed.
Sounds a little strange.
Echoed through the house might be better.
----------------------------------------------------
Some had bloody wounds while others looked (like) the life was sucked out of them.
I find that if I say the sentences out loud, I can easily find these errors.
-------------------------
Once inside I ran for the phone, dialing 911, but as soon as I placed it to my ear a loud static screeched into my eardrum.
Tense problem
-------------------------------------